Building The Next Generation : One Child At A Time

Despite all the “learning” machines, iPads, iPods and every other tablet and gadget that a kid could learn from there are things a child should learn “life skills” off the grid.

I taught my own children and my student’s real life things they could do which they could use as adults and which would serve to show them that they had competence at useful things.

Sewing on a button is something which while being very easy to do is a skill which any child can master and which gives them a sense of “grown-up” abilities.  It also is a perfect tool which can be used to create art.  I’ve had children create faces and suns on t-shirts and hats.  So get some huge buttons from a craft store and teach away.

Being able to assist in the kitchen makes a child happy to contribute.  After all, they only want to be able to show what they can do to help.  My children helped to stir things when they were very little, despite the spills.  They “helped” me to measure things and learned how to operate in a kitchen watching out for hot things and walking softly when something is baking.

My children learned to chop vegetables from an early age.  Sometimes visitors would get a little spooked seeing them with a knife.  Their knife was dull but they were able to cut apples and cucumbers and celery with it. I marked the handle of “their” knife and that was the only one they would use.  It was their “special” knife and they took pride in using it.  They would go straight to the drawer and get out their knife and be ready to work at a moment’s notice.

This gave them the idea that I knew they were capable and allowed them to have pride in saying “I helped make this meal”.  Their pride was evident in their faces and enhanced their willingness to eat new foods because they had made part of it and so it wasn’t scary.

Folding towels together comes before folding sheets.  In folding both the towels and the sheets once we meet “in the middle” we always laughed.  Create your own games with it but make it fun.  Teaching them life skills is essential because the confidence they get from you carries them over until they have FULL confidence as adults.

So, think about the “simple things” you can teach your child: sewing buttons, cutting vegetables, making PB&J sandwiches, folding towels and sheets, matching socks (what a game).

For a long time in the 90’s all kids shoes were held on my Velcro.  All the kids in my kindergarten class wore these and because of that I created a box which simulated a lace-up shoe and I used that to teach them to tie shoes.

Each skill a child can knowingly master is a step towards their independence.  So whether it’s tying shoes or making fruit salad it is a skill they can learn it’s creates certainty of “self”.

Have fun!!

We have all, at one time or another been in a grocery or department store and heard the unmistakable sounds of a hissie fit in progress.  We shake our heads in dismay and usually imagine how we would handle the situation.

What is the anatomy of this situation?  How can we cut down the occurrences of the dreaded hissy fit?  Well I’ll tell you what I know right after I tell you about one pivotal occurrence in my family.

So, my child was about three years old when this happened.  We had given said child two cookies and she was asking for more.  The fact that she was not getting more was not sitting well with her.  She was stomping her little foot and balling up her fists and yelling “I want a cookie!!”

Well, we looked at each other and looked at her.  This was her first hissy fit (or temper tantrum) ever and we were sure that we didn’t want a repeat of this kind of thing.  We talked to her and told her that she had a right to be angry but that the rest of us did not want to have that kind of noise in our environment. We explained that her right to be angry was just as important as our right to live in a peaceful home.

So this is what we proposed.  She was allowed to be as angry as she wanted but she had to be angry in a different space than the rest of the family.  She would have to go in her own room and be angry all she wanted.  She was allowed to come back after all her angry shouting was done.  We walked her to her room and closed the door.  She opened it up again and said she wanted to yell “here” where we were.  We escorted her back and once again she “escaped” to have her tantrum with us.  The last time she was escorted she stayed and had her yell. We could hear her behind the door yelling “I am angwy!!  I am angwy.  I want more cookies and I am ANGWY!!!”  She could not say ANGRY yet but she did her best.

After about three minutes she came out of her room and said, “I’m finished”.  She soon handled herself if she felt a tantrum coming on.  She’d say, “I be back.” and run to her room and shut the door.  Most times we’d had no idea that she was angry about something until we heard her saying, “I am ANGY!!!” and so forth.  We never had a problem with her or any of the kids in that way after we came upon that idea.  They knew that they could be angry and that they could express it in a way that didn’t impinge on the rest of the household.

The idea about these tantrums in the grocery store or department store is that they most often arise when a child is tired or hungry.  We, as adults, are told never to go grocery shopping when we are hungry.  For that very same reason we shouldn’t take our kids shopping when they’re hungry either.  All the things they shouldn’t have go dancing around in front of them and it’s not fair to put them under that much temptation.  So, get them a snack of some kind before you take them shopping and if possible do not take them when they are tired.  It takes work to keep the hissies at bay but it’s worth the effort.

                My daughter-in-law is pregnant and besides being ecstatic about that fact we are anticipating the joys of the journey itself.

The first thing that we talked about is the fact that nutrition and rest are her first jobs.  Eating whole organic foods is something she’s been doing for almost two years now.  The wonderful thing about that is the fact that a baby is “grown” from what you’ve eaten for at least 18 months BEFORE you become pregnant.  So, my sweetie has been actually preparing her body for pregnancy unknowingly.

The next thing is her sleep.  When you think about the herculean task before a woman’s body at this time it’s a wonder that they don’t sleep ALL the time.  The extra rest is used to do all the “building” of the baby’s body.

If you just think about it, this simple thing that we take for granted is a miracle.  In only nine months, if a woman has enough good food, nutrition, rest and a calm environment she can build a baby.  In nine months she will build a living breathing baby with bones, nerves, muscles and all, PERFECTLY.

That brings me to the point of the QUALITY of food that a woman has to eat.  She has to eat food that is high in nutrition and LOW on poisons.  That lets out a LOT of the food that is readily available these days.  It means that all of our fast foods, genetically modified foods and foods grown with the usual pesticides and chemical fertilizers are foods which can only impart to the mom and the unborn baby all those poisons that were absorbed.

So, by ensuring that nutrition and rest are adequate for the baby’s growth and future health you are already cutting down on the cost of raising a child.  You save lots of future money that way and save your child from many illnesses.

It’s easy to thing of the material things a baby will need like a crib, car seat and the like but the bottom line foundation is growing the best, healthiest baby you can grow.  After that the rest is a “piece of cake”.

My son has always loved his wife and they are the best “team” I’ve seen in a long time but NOW he is even more enamored and has risen to the occasion exactly as I knew he would.  He prepares her green drinks and protein smoothies and ensures that she has everything she could need.

One thing which is not to be forgotten is the LOVE connection.  The rest of my family is overflowing with love for one another but the LOVE level of my family has ramped up SEVERAL octaves!!  So, the level of love surrounding a mom-to-be is an important part of her “nutrition” to.  We all need to remember that the love and support that surrounds her travels from her to the baby and begins the baby’s life in that same way.

I’ll keep you posted on our plans and our “readiness” plans.

Okay, I admit it.  I and the rest of my family are OVER THE MOON!!  My youngest son and his wonderfully wonderful wife are expecting!!

Last weekend it was my birthday.  We did wonderful family things and I was happy.  THEN during the weekend my son and his wife broke the news that they had just found out that they were expecting.  We all knew that they wanted to be parents but hoping for “one day” and finding out is two different things.

We had ALL OF US been imagining and dreaming of the day that would happen but… WOW!! So, now, I will be able to help my daughter-in-law get ready.  I will be able to impart to her all that I know about babies and parenting.  I get to give her all the help I wished I’d had and get the chance to see my son and his wife build their part of the next generation.

So far we’ve talked about eating right and getting rest.  She’s said that she’s tired and I explained that her body is doing hard work building a baby from scratch.  She’s getting lots of water and vitamins and smoothies with good things like Brewer’s Yeast which creates a healthy baby and will make the best breast milk.  For the last two years they have both been eating organic food so the time BEFORE she got pregnant will ensure that her nutrition pre-pregnancy has helped to make a better pregnancy and healthier baby.  She has no morning sickness and that’s a good sign.  So her doctor’s appointment is in two weeks and we don’t expect anything unusual.

In being able to help her I will be more aware of the things I know and besides passing that on to her I will be able to write more about it for others.

Well, it’s late at night and I need to get up early so I will go to bed with visions of grandbabies dancing in my head.

I spent a lot of time raising my children to be people who would be good for the planet and great people to be around.  I succeeded in that and now my children are beginning to have children and I get to help them do the same.

Our next generation begins!!!  And I get to be a part of it!

A long time ago, young men and women apprenticed in some profession as a preparation for the rest of their lives.  I say that young women apprenticed also because by working with their mothers they learned the job that they too would be doing in their adulthood.

Apprenticeships were the way that people learned those jobs.  I have read that a young Benjamin Franklin was apprenticed to his brother James who was a printer at the age of 12.I looked up apprentice online.

One of the definitions said: Apprentice: one who is learning by practical experience under skilled workers a trade, art, or calling…Children are apprentices.  They look to us and all adults as well as older siblings or family members to find out what we do here.  You could think of a child as an exchange student who just arrived from a totally different culture and has no idea what to do or how to do it.

That is why children watch everything.  They are learning.  That’s the reason why when they hear a new word (most often a bad word) they use it so often because they are practicing. They get an added bonus when you or some other adult acts weirdly about their “new word”.  “Wow!  Look at Mom’s head pop off and fire come out of her ears!!!”  I want to see that AGAIN!! So they repeat the offending word over and over!

Now aside from all the BAD words we want them to copy everything we do (they will anyway) because that is how they learn.  We are their role models and their guides and whatever we do, say, react to and ARE is reflected in them for good or bad.

When my son was two years old the house was already full of other siblings.  Every one of them had jobs to do which were not just “cute, for my allowance” jobs.  My children helped to raise one another with me.  My children helped to cook the meals, change diapers, take out trash, do laundry, bathe the younger ones and generally assist in our lives and livelihood.

I tell people that our family life was like “Little House on the Prairie” only in Brooklyn.  It was!  Clothing, which was generally Osh Kosh B’Gosh overalls, was passed on from one child to the next.  Articles of clothing that were not gender specific like that passed on many times and then the boy clothing and girl clothing passed on the to the next like-gendered child in line.

Each child helped to prepare dinner or set the table or take out the trash or what have you.  So that when this particular little boy child was two years old the house was a hub of activity.

One day he got up from his little baby toys and grabbed one of the tiny plastic trash baskets and dragged it behind him.  He stopped at every little piece of crumpled paper or bit of broken crayon and began to drop them in the little trash basket.  To the astonishment of the older siblings he also deposited little toys and play paraphernalia that they’d failed to put away.  My joy (and his as well) was that he had appointed himself a job.  He began contributing to the rest in the only way he could think to do.

That night at dinner I turned a deaf ear to all the complaints of, “Mom the baby threw out my….”.  I praised his work and told the whiners that they all knew that they were supposed to pick up and clean up once they’d finished one activity before they went on to another.  They “baby” had chosen his own job and if they didn’t want their stuff thrown out then they knew what they had to do in the future.

The children in my family learned to cut vegetables (with a somewhat dull knife) or do the laundry and sew on buttons in order to help out but also so that I would know that they would be self-sufficient in life.

Remember that your children are watching you and they do that because they want to learn.  They are apprenticing to be adults and they can use any and all help that you can give them.

Deborah Dunham Fletcher

          We’re all aware of the disaster that occurred in Japan.  There are many ways this disaster will impinge around the world long into our future.  Many speak of economic repercussions.

          In the midst of all this chaos and speculation I have a different view.  What about the mothers and children?  I saw footage of a mother with a baby in arms who when told the tsunami was approaching dropped everything, picked up her baby and ran to higher ground.  She made it.  Others did not.

In my opinion she made it because she was able to decide, in a “split second”, what was REALLY important.  She decided that it was her and her baby’s lives that were most important.  I don’t know if she had a plan of action “just in case” of earthquake or tsunami but she sure affected a winning plan on the spur of the moment nonetheless.  “Grab the baby and “haul it” was the BEST plan in light of the situation.

When you have children you have to have some contingency plans.  There are enough variables in life and situations that crop up that make it important that you and your children have a plan for “what if”.

My husband and I and our six children lived in Brooklyn, NY for a large part of their upbringing.  At least it was a large part of my oldest children’s upbringing.  In traveling around and between Brooklyn and Manhattan (NYC) your choices are buses or subways.  Many New Yorkers do not even own a car.  Many New Yorkers do not even KNOW how to drive!  (I was one of them.) There is no need to drive and TRY to find a place to park or get parking tickets when buses and subways run 24/7.

NOW, imagine traveling on crowded subways with 5 ½ kids!  The cars are PACKED and the people (grown tall people) are pushing to get in or get off the train.  Imagine 5 kids being pulled hither and yon in the surge.

Even when I had only two kids that travel prompted the development of my first “plan”.  In getting off the subway train in NY you are pushing to get out as tons more people are pushing to get in.  I always held my child’s hand or had a child holding the handle of a sibling’s stroller which always got us out together but I wanted to be prepared “just in case”.  If we got separated because the doors closed and she couldn’t get off I instructed her that she should get off the train at the next stop and wait by the nearest column for me.  I told her that I would get on the very next train and would come and get her.

I had a plan.  She had her plan.  We had a set policy.  In case of THIS emergency we were prepared.  Now, I have to say that during my NY motherhood period (from 1976 until 1992) I never lost a child.  We took subways, crowded elevators and walked along packed city streets and lost no child ever.

This brings me to another stable point of view you and your child will need to have.  In life (but even more so in a large city) things happen in which you need to know that your child will respond to the sound of your voice AND follow your instructions IMMEDIATELY no questions asked!

MY basis of operation was that my children should have freedom enough and not be ordered around when it wasn’t necessary.  So they roamed ahead of me leisurely when we walked the quiet Brooklyn streets but stayed right by my side in Manhattan (NYC) where the body traffic was thick.

It was the same in my home.  I let them play as they would but if I called them they came.  I never interrupted their cycles without reason.  So if I called they knew it was important.

I once had a neighbor friend who was standing outside of our apartment building talking with me.  My daughter was four and her son was about the same age.  The neighbor’s son was heading towards the curb between two parked cars.  She yelled, “Don’t you go over there!”  The kid laughed and kept going in that direction.  “You, come back here this minute!” she yelled to no avail.  The little boy was now creeping between the cars heading for the street, where cars were whizzing by, all the while looking at her and seeing if she would come and catch him.  She ran and grabbed him in time and gave him an earful about “listening to mama”.  He was still laughing.  He thought it was a great game which I had no doubt he would “play” again whenever he had the opportunity.

MY daughter, on the other hand looked at this spectacle with a puzzled look on her face.  I believe she wondered what all the fuss was about.  I had long ago explained to her that cars were bigger than her body was, currently, and that cars couldn’t see her if she just darted out between them.  It was part of my establishment of the policy on holding hands to cross the street even when she was the only child in the family.  This exact setting of policy came in handy and saved lives one fateful day.

We were walking along and stopped in preparation to cross the street.  By this time I had three children ages 7, 4 and 18 months.  The policy was that they could walk down the street in my vicinity until we came to a corner where we had to cross a street.  They had been informed and knew that we would not cross a street unless their hand was in mine or they were holding onto one of the stroller handles.  This I enforced, until I could see that they knew it, by placing my hand over theirs softly while we were both holding the stroller handle.  I would let go of their hand and they were free to let go once we reached the other side.  It was a given.  It was just how we traveled.

This day the two oldest went to grab “their” respective stroller handles and the 18 month old was in the stroller.  The light changed to green and we began to cross when a jack-hammer began to pound the street not too far from where we were.  I would not have taken note of it as this was a large part of the “music” of NYC throughout MY life, but it apparently was something that triggered something in my then middle child.  She let go of the stroller and began to run away from the sound which was heading her in the direction of the traffic which was at the end of the corner.  She was unthinking in her reaction and could not “hear” me.  To say she was blind with fear would have been apt.  I knew that immediately.  She wasn’t thinking.  She was only REACTING.  I looked at my oldest for a split second.  “Grab the stroller handles and push the stroller to the other side of the street and wait there for me.”

I didn’t look back to see if she had complied.  I didn’t have TIME to lest the child I had to save reached the cross flow of traffic before I got to her.  I reached the running child in time, scooped her up, said nothing holding her close while I ran to the other side of the street where my oldest was waiting with the youngest, calmly, as I’d asked her.  For the next few blocks she pushed the stroller and said nothing while I held the “runner” and we said nothing until she was okay.  Afterward I praised my child for following my instructions and helping to avert an accident.

This is the result of thinking “what if” and planning instead of “what if” and worrying.  Worrying begets NOTHING but more worry.  Planning begets a stable policy that can be held by all.  In my experience the “stable policy” and “this is how we operate when…” gives us control over situations and make us cause rather than the effect of any situation.  When you have children it can help IMMENSELY!

Deborah Dunham Fletcher

Yesterday was  Saturday. Makes me think of what Saturdays used to be like when my kids were young. It was a jumble of trying to fit in the weekly food shopping, laundry for the week, homework for the kids, trying to pry them away from too much TV and being the referee in the “he/ she took my…” battles. I think things haven’t changed much for moms and Saturdays.

There are so many things to worry about when your kids are young that one can easily lose sight of what this job is really all about.

I remember hoping that they wouldn’t fall and hurt themselves while they were learning to walk. I recall the anxiety about making sure the place was baby-proofed (which in a family with 6 children is not easy by any means). I worried about quite a bit of incidental stuff until I backed up a bit and got the BIG PICTURE. Once I did that I understood my mission.

Many of us remember the Mission Impossible TV series. Many more may have seen the movies. After describing the complexity of the mission and what it entailed, there was always the disclaimer that said something like, “this is your mission, should you chose to accept it…”

It’s easy to lose sight of the MISSION when you’re elbow deep in dirty diapers, or have to come up with 36 cupcakes for the bake sale tomorrow that your kid forgot to tell you about until you were tucking her in bed that night (REALLY HAPPENED!)

It was the realization of what the MISSION really is that got me through EVERYTHING I had to wade or doggie paddle through during the nearly 36 years of raising my children.

This is what the MISSION really is: We are building the future. One day we will be old and gray and there will be people who are in charge of not only OUR lives, but in charge of the world. It will be those children that we ourselves, our friends, and people we don’t even know are raising right this minute.

Think of how things have been going on this planet in the past few years. Those “people in charge” seem to have forgotten (or were never taught) about honesty and playing fair. They have lied and cheated to such an extent that they mess things up for everyone while STILL rewarding themselves with bonuses. If we have had enough of people like this, our best bet is to make sure that we really make the next generation quite a bit better in every way.

You may be thinking that at the rate things are going who says that there will even BE a future? While that is always a legitimate fear in times like these but I’d like to point out that during the Great Depression people probably thought the same way and here we are now in their future.

If we decide that, despite the ups and downs of whatever is screwing up “outside” of our households, it is what goes on within all of our households right now that will ensure a better future for all of us we all win.

It is the people you are raising now who will ensure a return to rationale and sanity. They need to be equipped by us to tell the difference between right and wrong and a host of other things like common sense, a sense of fair play, a sense that we are all on this planet together and we must learn to get along with our neighbors.

That baby in your arms or going off to preschool will run the world for good or bad. THAT is something which IS in our hands. That is what our MISSION is and if you have a kid you have already agreed to take that MISSION.

                                 
                                    …the hand that rocks the cradle

                                    Is the hand that rules the world.

       An acquaintance of mine once said, “You know you are doing the right work when it’s what you think about when you wake up in the middle of the night.”

       It was then that I knew that what I was doing was not what I was MEANT to do.  It was quite some time before I knew what that was but I know now. 

       I was meant to be a Mom.  It is the thing I do the best.  I have been an artist and many other things in my lifetime but being a mother is the best thing I have done.  I do other things as hobbies and I do massage therapy as my business but the thing I really know is children.  Essentially, anything that helps children is my “purpose”.

       So what do I think of in the middle of the night?  I think of what I would tell other parents if they asked me what helped me raise sane and happy grownups from the little seedlings that my children were.  On that I have much to say. 

       I think mothers can change the world one child at a time.  I think that mothers can be and are actual superheroes. Most of all I think about how proud I am of my own six children who have reached the responsible adulthood that I envisioned and hoped for them. 

       Motherhood is one of the toughest jobs I can think of.  It is a profession not for the faint of heart but well worth it.  I say that Motherhood is the world’s oldest profession because it is the oldest job that women have had. 

       My mother-in-law once told me, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world”.  I’m not sure where that quote came from but it seems pretty true to me.  Whatever our children become is what the future of the planet becomes.  If we are successful in raising sane, responsible individuals then they will be a part of a saner more responsible planet.  We certainly could use that. 

Basics

       When we know that we are about to be a mom there is a lot of elation, confusion and “deer-in-the-headlight” looks that we go through.  We want the baby to be healthy and we want their childhood to be happy.  Of that we are sure.  But beyond the planning of the nursery and picking out the appropriate names and possible college choices there is not much else we think of right away. 

       What is it that we are after at the end of our parenting, though?  Some people say, concerning their baby, “All I want is to make sure my baby has ten fingers and ten toes.” Or, “I just want her to be healthy.”  While health and number of toes was important to me, far more important was what I might be adding (or taking away) from the planet. 

       No one wants to be the parent of a mass murderer or a Hitler but even Hitler had a mom.  What went wrong there?  I thought about that kind of stuff even before I was pregnant.  I knew that one day I would, via my child, be touching the future.  Would I be adding a benefit to the planet or a detriment?  Yeah, I know it was a BIG thought but I knew that if I didn’t plan far enough ahead I could possibly miss what I wanted to achieve.

       So, I thought about what I wanted to achieve at the end of my children’s need for me.  I wanted to have adults who were in control of their own lives because they have the tools to make the right decisions.

       With that as my goal a lot of new things came into view.  What are the “MUST HAVE” things in my child’s life?  You know those things that cannot be skimped on, no matter what happens during the 18 years they will most likely be with me?

       Food, shelter, someone to love and guide them and policies and tools to enable them to guide their own lives as adults; those things are the most important “bottom line” “must haves” at the end of my parenting gig that I came up with.  Think about it for a while and see what you come up with. 

        We’re all here on this planet, together, for better or worse.  While many things need “fixing” and all of us can work on that, we need to think about working on the future.

        The leaders we have now are not always working toward our best interests.  When I see what their actions and inactions have wrought it’s hard to imagine that they ever learned right from wrong.  The truth of the matter is that if we want to prevent the same kind of people running the world 30 years from now we need to build NEW and IMPROVED people.

        That’s my job.  That’s OUR job.  That’s the job of parents, grandparents, teachers, scout leaders and anyone who touches the lives of children.  We’ve CERTAINLY got work to do!

        A long time ago, before we even had washing machines, women did their washing at rivers or streams.  While performing that tedious job, women talked.  Women talked about the same stuff we women talk about today; how to get husbands to take out the trash on trash day, how to get the kids to___ (insert whatever you like in the blank).  Then, as now, women talk.

        Infant mortality was higher in the old days.  Having a child even survive childbirth was a major accomplishment.  Women had neither books nor roadmaps to successfully navigate motherhood.  The best most reliable resource available was studying at the feet of a “master”.  By those standards a “master” was a woman who had born and successfully raised a child.  Sometimes it was your mother, a sister, a friend or a neighbor.  There was always someone around to ask. 

        Nowadays, a young mother often lives miles away from her mother and ANY family.  Sometimes her friends and neighbors appear to be raising the world’s next serial killers.  What is she to do?      

        Back then, women spoke at the stream while pounding wet laundry on a rock.  They spoke across the clothesline while hanging their laundry to dry.  The things that “worked” were thus passed from woman to woman.  This was their “Motherhood 101”.  It came from mothers who’d been successful.    

        In our “present time” very often mothering tips and information is written and passed on by “experts” who have never changed a diaper nor been held hostage by a cranky child in a grocery store.

         I think that the best person to guide you (on any journey) is someone who’s actually BEEN down the road you are about to embark upon.  They’ve seen the potholes and signposts along the way and either avoided most of the bad stuff or fell in and can now steer YOU away from it.

        I’ve been down that motherhood road.  I am a 59 year old mother of six grown children.  They and I are still alive and none the worse for wear.  We actually still like one another enormously too.  Having raised my own six children in addition to having cared for, educated or tutored more than 150 other children, I have a lot of tips, viewpoints and experience that might help.

        In my writings I will be telling you some of the things that worked to help me raise my children (who became wonderful sane adults).  I’ll tell you about the things that don’t work too.  You REALLY need to know about those things.  I’d have LOVED to have gotten some of THAT information BEFORE I found it out the hard way!

        I’ve been an artist, a mother, an educator, a tutor a nanny and a massage therapist, among other things.  By FAR my favorite thing has been being anything that helps children and at the top of THAT list is being a Mom.  I hope you have as much fun and success as I did.

        So, let’s consider this blog our talk across the clothesline.   Together we can build the next generation.  This will be a weekly blog but I will jump in here when I have something to say that just can’t wait.

Let’s roll our sleeves up and build a better world one child at a time.