Having a Plan

August 26, 2012 · Filed under Uncategorized

          We’re all aware of the disaster that occurred in Japan.  There are many ways this disaster will impinge around the world long into our future.  Many speak of economic repercussions.

          In the midst of all this chaos and speculation I have a different view.  What about the mothers and children?  I saw footage of a mother with a baby in arms who when told the tsunami was approaching dropped everything, picked up her baby and ran to higher ground.  She made it.  Others did not.

In my opinion she made it because she was able to decide, in a “split second”, what was REALLY important.  She decided that it was her and her baby’s lives that were most important.  I don’t know if she had a plan of action “just in case” of earthquake or tsunami but she sure affected a winning plan on the spur of the moment nonetheless.  “Grab the baby and “haul it” was the BEST plan in light of the situation.

When you have children you have to have some contingency plans.  There are enough variables in life and situations that crop up that make it important that you and your children have a plan for “what if”.

My husband and I and our six children lived in Brooklyn, NY for a large part of their upbringing.  At least it was a large part of my oldest children’s upbringing.  In traveling around and between Brooklyn and Manhattan (NYC) your choices are buses or subways.  Many New Yorkers do not even own a car.  Many New Yorkers do not even KNOW how to drive!  (I was one of them.) There is no need to drive and TRY to find a place to park or get parking tickets when buses and subways run 24/7.

NOW, imagine traveling on crowded subways with 5 ½ kids!  The cars are PACKED and the people (grown tall people) are pushing to get in or get off the train.  Imagine 5 kids being pulled hither and yon in the surge.

Even when I had only two kids that travel prompted the development of my first “plan”.  In getting off the subway train in NY you are pushing to get out as tons more people are pushing to get in.  I always held my child’s hand or had a child holding the handle of a sibling’s stroller which always got us out together but I wanted to be prepared “just in case”.  If we got separated because the doors closed and she couldn’t get off I instructed her that she should get off the train at the next stop and wait by the nearest column for me.  I told her that I would get on the very next train and would come and get her.

I had a plan.  She had her plan.  We had a set policy.  In case of THIS emergency we were prepared.  Now, I have to say that during my NY motherhood period (from 1976 until 1992) I never lost a child.  We took subways, crowded elevators and walked along packed city streets and lost no child ever.

This brings me to another stable point of view you and your child will need to have.  In life (but even more so in a large city) things happen in which you need to know that your child will respond to the sound of your voice AND follow your instructions IMMEDIATELY no questions asked!

MY basis of operation was that my children should have freedom enough and not be ordered around when it wasn’t necessary.  So they roamed ahead of me leisurely when we walked the quiet Brooklyn streets but stayed right by my side in Manhattan (NYC) where the body traffic was thick.

It was the same in my home.  I let them play as they would but if I called them they came.  I never interrupted their cycles without reason.  So if I called they knew it was important.

I once had a neighbor friend who was standing outside of our apartment building talking with me.  My daughter was four and her son was about the same age.  The neighbor’s son was heading towards the curb between two parked cars.  She yelled, “Don’t you go over there!”  The kid laughed and kept going in that direction.  “You, come back here this minute!” she yelled to no avail.  The little boy was now creeping between the cars heading for the street, where cars were whizzing by, all the while looking at her and seeing if she would come and catch him.  She ran and grabbed him in time and gave him an earful about “listening to mama”.  He was still laughing.  He thought it was a great game which I had no doubt he would “play” again whenever he had the opportunity.

MY daughter, on the other hand looked at this spectacle with a puzzled look on her face.  I believe she wondered what all the fuss was about.  I had long ago explained to her that cars were bigger than her body was, currently, and that cars couldn’t see her if she just darted out between them.  It was part of my establishment of the policy on holding hands to cross the street even when she was the only child in the family.  This exact setting of policy came in handy and saved lives one fateful day.

We were walking along and stopped in preparation to cross the street.  By this time I had three children ages 7, 4 and 18 months.  The policy was that they could walk down the street in my vicinity until we came to a corner where we had to cross a street.  They had been informed and knew that we would not cross a street unless their hand was in mine or they were holding onto one of the stroller handles.  This I enforced, until I could see that they knew it, by placing my hand over theirs softly while we were both holding the stroller handle.  I would let go of their hand and they were free to let go once we reached the other side.  It was a given.  It was just how we traveled.

This day the two oldest went to grab “their” respective stroller handles and the 18 month old was in the stroller.  The light changed to green and we began to cross when a jack-hammer began to pound the street not too far from where we were.  I would not have taken note of it as this was a large part of the “music” of NYC throughout MY life, but it apparently was something that triggered something in my then middle child.  She let go of the stroller and began to run away from the sound which was heading her in the direction of the traffic which was at the end of the corner.  She was unthinking in her reaction and could not “hear” me.  To say she was blind with fear would have been apt.  I knew that immediately.  She wasn’t thinking.  She was only REACTING.  I looked at my oldest for a split second.  “Grab the stroller handles and push the stroller to the other side of the street and wait there for me.”

I didn’t look back to see if she had complied.  I didn’t have TIME to lest the child I had to save reached the cross flow of traffic before I got to her.  I reached the running child in time, scooped her up, said nothing holding her close while I ran to the other side of the street where my oldest was waiting with the youngest, calmly, as I’d asked her.  For the next few blocks she pushed the stroller and said nothing while I held the “runner” and we said nothing until she was okay.  Afterward I praised my child for following my instructions and helping to avert an accident.

This is the result of thinking “what if” and planning instead of “what if” and worrying.  Worrying begets NOTHING but more worry.  Planning begets a stable policy that can be held by all.  In my experience the “stable policy” and “this is how we operate when…” gives us control over situations and make us cause rather than the effect of any situation.  When you have children it can help IMMENSELY!

Deborah Dunham Fletcher